Caitlan H

From a young age I was fighting to live. I spent years being told by my own family that I was a mistake and unwanted - "a birthday mistake and failed abort" (going as far as to never receiving birthday or xmas gifts from anyone my whole life). Due to my parents hate and blindness towards me, it was the perfect storm for others to use and take advantage of me without anyone believing me. I was sexually and physically abused by mutiple people from the age of 10 to 18. These instances were what lead me to drink and use drugs before I should have even known what any of that was. In high school before dropping out, I went through 4 of my friends violently murdering another friend due to jealously and lies... I was attacked one evening while I was out alone which lead me close to deaths door and i fought with myself on "why did i survive i just wanted it to be over".... I quickly jumped into a relationship with someone who "rescued" me from what was going on, he quickly fell into abuse towards me and knew he could get away with it. When I found out I was going to have my own child with him, I quickly got sober even though the abuse and pain continued. Becuase of my daughter, I gathered the courage to leave him. Through infidelity and abuse I was able to prove to a judge and a divorce was granted, but the abuse didnt stop. I tried to keep my addictions in mind and would slip from time to time to take the edge off. Self harm hidden under clothing or drinking more. After spending a lot of time trying to better myself and taking care of myself and my daughter. I got a lot of answer for medical issues I knew I had but was told "its anxiety" so I just believed it.I went to college and got an associates degree and 2 certificates (which i dont use now). Up till my home burned down a week before christmas where i lost everything i owned - my family took care of my kid while i was homeless for a year and a half finishing goinng to collage.

I finally got in another relationship, with someone who was just narassictic enough to disguise the bad with the good. I still had to ask permission to shower or nap, i did all the house hold chores even tho im very disabled, when i finally got a job (the best job ever might i add its perfect!), he logged in as me and changed my banking info so my checks went to his account and I "got an allowance". I wasnt being physically abused but i was still being used. Eventually he would sell/use explicit photos to get money. He wanted a open relationship cause i had "let myself go" and he resented me. My childs father stepped in and starting getting into her head (she lives with him cause its a better school system, but shes happy so i wont take her from that, my wants dont matter) but now she thinks i want nothing to do with her and that like he says - unstable, unworthy, unloveable... I spent years going to therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me, battling with just wanting to end it. Sometimes taking just enough of something to maybe do it, but id always just wake up in the morning and repeat the day.

Finally one day I decided that I was going to choose me. I stopped doing things that put me in positions where it could endager me physically or mentally. I chose to start doing hobbys for myself instead of others. And I chose to find someone who wanted me for me despite all my flaws. I finally did, and no longer do I need permission - in fact im asked what i want quite often, and i am cherished and loved! All those things you dream about... its finally here. When i struggle now, i can go to him and tell him whats wrong. He stops and holds space for me, reminds me that im safe and loved and wanted. And while i still struggle with negaitive thoughts and idealations - im struggling to want to act on them now. For the first time i think about what he would have to come home too, how he would be the one to find me. and so i stop reach out and accept the help that i know i need in the moment.

This leads me to how i found DBM. He took me to Welcome to Rockville as my birthday gift (only a couple days before the event this year) - normally this is his thing, but he made it our thing. After ruining day 1 by me having a seizure in the parking lot so we didnt get to go at all, day 2 was just a take it easy take it all in day. So we spent a ton of day 2 looking at vendors. We see Demons Behind Me and we are stopped by this invisable force. I chuckle and tell him "its really funny you keep saying that his is a whole new chapter in life for the both of us, that it is all in the past now and were like lanterns lighting out way forward" - We go in, chat, share our stories a bit. Get ourselves a car decal and the snazzy bracelets. We head off to take in the rest of the event. But something just feels different now... No other place pulls us in like that, no place has a message that just pulls at your soul like that. So we turn right around and walk right back to DBM. He gets to talking and before we know it emails are being exhanged for his drag car! I end up raving out DBM during my twitch streams about how we found them and how their message just stuck with me... Now im a brand ambassador! Full circle! The bracelet alone is a constant reminder when my mind gets dark and I need a little extra help. I admit that i still struggle, but i can now admit that im safe and loved.