Nate E.

My story. I was a happy kid until age three. Then inexplicably the world quit making sense to me. From age 3 to 53 I was confused. When I started school the C.A.T. (California Achievement Tests) placed me in the top 1% scholastic level. I am a 1 percenter!! I also achieved straight A's. I did these things with no thought or challenge. It's just what I did. It held no meaning for me. I was lauded for this and I didn't even know why. As the years passed my concentration level disappeared. I detached from reality. My father, a large abusive pastor stopped talking to me because my grades declined year after year. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me. I was quiet, retreating, introverted, and an obsessive reader. I read at a college reading level by age 9.

Until age 17 I suffered. Then I suffered some more. 50 years to be exact. 18,250 days of having no idea what was wrong with me.

At 17 I was relieved to take my first step drink. The same week I got a high school diploma worth not much more than the paper it was printed on. The same week I found out my old Man left and I learned he had cheated on her my whole life.

June 1984 I started drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking weed. The abusive pastor was gone and I needed a break.

I went down the chemical waterslide almost to my death at age 21. I'm 58 and have been clean and sober 37 years. I was not however OK.

Three years later I went into bipolar psychosis. I was hospitalized. I have taken my psychiatric meds religiously for 33 years. Until 2019 I was still not OK.

I had a skiing accident in March 1993 while working in the ski industry. Skiing in a manner that could kill me and not caring. I have permanent brain damage. I get shots in my head every 12 weeks, take migraine meds daily, and psychiatric meds. My brain damage effects my mood modulation. A PTSD, mood modulation problem, bipolar, 6'1" fella with nothing to lose.

What have I done. What got me to 2019 and some peace. I'm not sure what or which thing did it from my list but here it is.

14 hospitals. 6 ER's. Rehab. Thousands of 12 step groups. Hundreds of bipolar support groups. CAT scans, MRI's, so many neurologists. Over 100,000 pills. Psychiatrists. Counseling intermittently since age 14.

I survived monsters, demons that I didn't understand or know how to fight. I was told if I did this stuff I'd get better. So I did the stuff not knowing if the world would ever make sense.

I am the battle worn refuse of this life. Since 2019 after 50 years I have had some peace. I lived a life I didn't want and I wasn't grateful for.

I continue to do the next right thing to the best of my ability. I'd like to turn it up to joy but I'm not there yet.

For the most part my demons are behind me. Now I'm hoping to chalk up some more wins as I approach twilight. Work, meet a lady, get a place of my own. Smile more, help someone else.

My tattoos and jewelry depict skulls and those 18,250 demon days. Gone but not forgotten! Great clothes so far! Thanks, Nate