Steven S.
On the Edge of Green
My steps grew heavier as I approached the Bench
The weight in my pocket was even Heavier
The Pressure in my Chest was the Heaviest
The running water of the river matched
The Tears burning my Cheeks
I Sat
My vision was blurry from Crying
My eyes felt raw and swollen
My throat was raw from not screaming
I wanted to
Just to scream
Silence reigned supreme as the Wind blew softly
The Voice told me what to do
The Voice told me it was the only way to rest
The Voice Lied
My phone
It was off
I turned it off on purpose
It did not fit in with My plan
Throw it! The Voice cried
Let it sink to the bottom amongst the mud and silt
My heart was sinking instead
I’m gonna turn it back on
No!!
I think I am going to turn it back on
NO!!!
I push the button and hold it down with trembling hands
WHY?!
I don’t know why
The silence is broken
I see the face of my Heaven Sent on the flat screen
Green or Red
I look at the river, at the trees in the breeze
I choose Green
Green is the color of life
Green means go, not stop
Green is rebirth after a season of death
Green bursts forth after the fire
Green is my favorite color, always has been
Green means more to me now
I still hurt
I still feel pressure sometimes
I still doubt myself, my purpose
But I try to remember to look for the Green
I chose Green that day
I will choose Green today
Green is my favorite color.
On Thanksgiving Day 2025, I was done. I have dealt with PTSD and traumas along with depression for as long as I can remember. I was done with living. I was done with trying anymore. I was not a coward, I was just in so much invisible pain. I went to the riverside and decided to take my own life. I turned off my phone so that I couldn't be tracked. I almost threw it in the water. But for some reason I turned it back on and answered when my wife called.She begged me to come home and i heard her. I agreed to try again. I agreed to live. I am a good police officer. I am a good husband and a good father. I care about others. I serve and I protect. I am a survivor, and I am not done yet.
