Todd P
At the start of 2020 I was a business owner, A dad who was active with his sons, A Marine and really had my life in order. Then one day I a client commented and asked why my left foot dragged a bit when I walked. Soon after I felt like I was being shocked constantly and then before I knew it I was unable to workout for more then 10 minutes before I was exhausted. After many appointments with neurologists, MRI’s and finally a Surgeon I was told that I had a tumor in my spine. On October 6th I walked into the hospital for surgery. What I didn’t know is the removal of the tumor would change my life forever. After 30 days in the ICU, becoming septic, having a second surgery, dying twice during the second surgery they wheeled me into a waiting ambulance to move me to an inpatient physical and occupational therapy hospital. That’s when it really sank in that I was now a quadriplegic. At inpatient therapy I had one thing on my mind and that was ending my life. I would not live as a quad. Soon I quit participating in my therapy. When the doctors and therapists came in and ask what was up i was honest, I told them that when I got out of therapy I was going to go home and end my life. The thought of killing myself consumed every minute of every day. I told my family about my plan she begged them not to stop the process. They release me from the hospital and I went home. When I got home the thoughts still consumed me but I was too weak and had no access to any of the pills I planned on using. Then one day during a long stretch of deep depression in walked a caregiver, Mary was from Kenya, 74 years old and was not new caregiver. For the first 3 days she sat reading out loud from her bible. On the last of the 3 days Mary put my hand in hers and she told me she was going to pray for me, not to heal me but to heal my angry heart. Day by day Mary and I became closer and I thought less about ending my life, every day for 2 years Mary would divert my focus from ending my life to living my life. While i am still a quadriplegic I no longer think about ending my life on an hourly, daily or even weekly basis. I still battle depression and suicidal thoughts a few times a year, not in a million years did I see my life going like this. Mary has now retired but we still talk a few times a week. I’m very very open about my mental health struggles and I’m not ashamed of them. Today far beyond the goals set by my doctors I’ve walked 900 feet with a walker and while I still use my wheelchair I now have hope, hope that I will someday no longer need my chair, hope that I will make it through another day and hope that my finances will change and I will one day soon be able to walk up to Mary’s front door in Kenya and tell her that she helped put my Demons Behind Me #mensmentalhealth #itsoktonotbeok
