Ray M.

Hello to everyone who reads my story. I really hope that I can help someone. I have battled with depression most of my life. On February 3rd of 2016 my life changed forever. That was the day that my son took his life. When you loose a child it’s one of the hardest things to deal with.

I felt totally lost and I couldn’t get myself to do anything except lay in bed and sleep most of my life away. I wasn’t in very good health anyway and I always felt so bad that I couldn’t do anything with my son.

Being on disability really takes a toll on your mindset because you are constantly thinking what can I do and you’re constantly thinking well I can’t do this or that.

So with everything going on in my life and everything piling up and bringing me to my lowest point in my life and thinking I’m totally worthless.

Five years later after my son took his life, I ended up waking up on February 12th of 2021 I decided that with everything going on in my life and not being able to talk to my son it was time to end my life too. I went to the park and I was going to do it at the same spot but I just pulled in and I was about 30 feet from where he died.

I didn’t even hesitate, I pulled the gun out of my pants and put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I didn’t feel any pain it was more like pressure. My ears were ringing and I couldn’t see out of the one eye but I could barely see out of the other.

I’m sitting there in the car bleeding and wondering okay when am I going to go. Kept sitting there and wishing this would hurry up and just let me go.

Then I started thinking okay apparently I’m not going to go. So I was like what am I gonna do now. I remembered that I can do the emergency thing on my iPhone. I told the woman from 911 that I shot myself the best I could because I could barely talk. I remember hearing the sirens from the ambulance and I was pushing the horn on my car the best I could. The last thing that I remember is either I or someone opened my car door I handed them my wallet and they said OH SHIT.

I was taken to the hospital by helicopter but I don’t remember a thing. So I get to the hospital and I didn’t wake up until like a month later. I have had so many surgeries on my face, I think it’s over 20 surgeries I’ve had since I got there.

I remember going in and out of consciousness and the nurses helping me.

I had this feeling like I was actually dead and I was in a place where they decided whether you go to heaven or hell.

I got this feeling of different people like one would give me a feeling of not being very nice and then I would have one give me a feeling that they were nice. So I thought that one nurse was kind and from heaven and the other was not nice and from hell.

The day that I actually woke up and realized that I was really alive I totally lost it and I just kept crying and asking god to forgive me. I was so happy to still be alive. I continued to have more surgeries on my nose.

I realized that I was given a second chance at life and it was time to not take this chance for granted.

I tried my best to do the things I needed to do so I could go home.

In between the all of the days I was in the hospital I had two people come and see me. One was my mom and the other was my really good friend. When I got to see my mom I just lost it and just kept telling her I’m so sorry. When my friend Josh came to see me I kept saying I’m so sorry that I did this and could he forgive me.

I finally get out of the hospital and I get home. I was just so grateful that I could go home and sleep in my own bed. I still had a long way to go with getting better. My brother was so heartbroken when I did this but he was also my greatest friend with taking care of me and helping me with everything that I couldn’t do.

I got to wear I could leave the house and go do something. I had so many friends check in on me and my progress. Josh was a great friend of mine and he would always come and get me out of the house. He even took me on a trip to go see his mom and sister down south. I had such a great time down there and I really loved it there.

I was so blessed to have so many people that cared for me and kept cheering me on. I realized that life is just so precious and so many of us just take it for granted. We all have some type of turmoil in our lives that make our life difficult. Life is difficult in itself but I realize that it’s those things that make our lives worth fighting for.

I lived through my attempt at trying to end my life and I’m so grateful and thankful for the people that helped keep me alive and for all of my friends that were in my corner. I’m going to continue to fight for my second chance at my life.

This letter is dedicated to my dear friend Josh S that suddenly passed away July 29th of 2022. Josh loved life more than anything and lived every day like it was his last. He also battled depression as I do but he didn’t let that stop him. I will miss you always my friend and I will see you again one day. I’m definitely making the best of my second chance because I know that you would want me to keep going. Love you man!