The hardest lesson I ever had to learn:
I cannot drink.
I cannot drink like a normal person.
I hated this with a passion.
How the hell can you do this, and I can’t?
How the hell can you have only one, and that’s it?
It’s simple, I’m an alcoholic and you’re not.
I’ve overstepped those boundaries and that fine line between social drinking and alcoholism and you haven’t.
No matter how hard I try to control this, the precautions I take, it’s inevitable, I will mess up.
Maybe not the first time, maybe not the second, but eventually, I can guarantee with 100% certainty, I will mess up some how some way. That’s how baffling it is.
Complacency is my enemy, comfort is complacencies ally, they lay and wait together, the way a snake lays and waits for its prey.
It’s so cunning that it only takes one bite to succumb to the venom of alcoholism.
That one bite can be a simple thought that triggers a reaction that will lead to certain insanity or death.
It’s the insanity of those thoughts that make me want it, crave it and justify it, even when history has shown me over and over what the outcome will be. That’s powerful.
Some can’t comprehend this lesson because they cannot or won’t look deep into themselves and take responsibility for their actions.
Blame is defensive mechanism that justifies so many alcoholic actions.
So much has been lost because of this lesson not learned. It takes time, constant practice and learning new habits and a whole new way of life.
I’m pretty sure I have finally learned this lesson. It was a struggle that I battled fiercely. I was scared to death to face my fears and my demons. But, I finally did and to this day, I still do battle those demons.
Today, I have the advantage.
I have a strong support system, I ask for help, I don’t intermingle with drinkers, I steer clear of situations that present a danger of drinking, I’m aware of my thought process and what leads me to think that it’s ok, because it’s not.
The most important measure that keeps me sober today...
I DON’T FUCKING DRINK!!!