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Derrick G.

Posted on 12 October 2021

F E A R. It had consumed my life. Not knowing where to turn or what to do and almost took this lovely thing I’ve taken for granted for so long. I have decided to take my life back and say no to alcohol and drugs. It led me to a point where I thought I couldn’t escape and would just suffer the rest of my life. I struggled from a young age with abandonment anxiety depression. I thought I could drink them away but it only made them worse. It cost me so much valuable time that I am now claiming back. I started smoking weed at 15 and the smoke clouded my vision until the point I was using any pill I could find and cocaine to keep me happy. Along with the booze it all consumed me. I never thought I needed help and was too proud to ask for help. “Be a man” don’t talk about anything, never let them see you cry, bottle it up, don’t be a burden. I would always focus on every single negative aspect of myself and turn right back to the things I thought could save me. Growing up in a broken alcoholic home I learned quick how to “deal with life.” I blamed myself when my father died, the last words I said to him were you make me resent being your son and I saw the pain it brought to his face not knowing the power these words had behind them. I was evil a narcissist and egomaniac. I was more afraid than anything and anger along with rage is all I had. I clung to them tightly so nobody knew how scared I actually was. How foolish we can be. I never accepted love and my anxiety turned me against people who loved me dearly. The battle of the mind is very real and now I choose to do something about the demons that have consumed me. I am in recovery for the damage I have caused myself and slowly healing. And how quickly my life can truly change just by taking simple steps for myself instead of depending on other people for my own happiness. I choose to walk in the light instead of sit in the dark thinking I have everything under control. I surrendered, I got out of my own way because that was the only thing holding me back. Today I am free from the confines of addiction and am truly blessed. I’m single and have no kids, I felt like I had nothing to live for at the young age of 24 and was slowly killing myself because I didn’t want to die but so scared to live. It’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak as we all convince ourselves it does. I am so much stronger than what I thought was tangible or realistic. I truly hope this helps someone who can relate, you are not alone my friend. God bless all who have traveled this long hard road. There is a way out, and it is so beautiful. An end is always a new beginning

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