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Sarah M.

Posted on 12 October 2021

I am a Police officer, have been for 13 years. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression a year ago after doing ‘my job’
Some fellow officers, ambulance officers and myself attempted to save the life of a 14 year old boy who had suicided. Infront of his grieving parents we did CPR on him for nearly an hour.
He was transported to hospital where he was placed on life support and eventually, passed away.
My instant connection was through the physical action of CPR and looking into the boys eyes as I did so. My sadness, fear and intense guilt was instant. I thought I could’ve done better and should’ve done better and he would be alive. This is completely unrealistic but the ‘demons’ started talking to me straight away.
The result of this ‘incident’ has almost been catastrophic to myself, my husband and children. I was hospitalised and have been on loads of medication - all in the aim to ‘help’ me
I had nightmares, flash backs, daily panic attacks and lots of things would start this- from looking at the brand of the socks that the boy was wearing, to an ambulance driving by. I haven’t been able to even enter my work place as instant anxiety, panic, fear and sadness overwhelmed me.
I have struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know it’s there. It’s a daily struggle to survive. I feel alone, but I’m not.
PTSD is a common ‘illness” that I wish people would talk about more often. I assumed it was mainly heroic war veterans who suffered, but it isn’t.
Ignorance isn’t bliss, it’s ignorant,
My road to recovery is long, painful and tiring. But I’ve NEVER given up even though I’ve desperately wanted to.
My hope is that through sharing my story, people can have a better understanding about PTSD, more kindness and empathy.

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