Nicholas B.
Not sure where to begin or what to share. I've been through it all as far as mental health issues and challenges are concerned. I've knocked on death's door and can honestly say that I am thankful that I am still here. The past 8 years or so have really seen me at some of my lowest of lows and highest of highs. I've been committed to a mental health facility, attempted to take my own life on a few occasions, had many rounds of electric shock treatment (ECT), had ketamine treatments, tried TMS treatments, as well. I was at a point after I had ECT that I was an absolute zombie. I had no memory of anything, and I had such a hard time remembering the littlest things, like where I parked my car and how to navigate around a facility that I had worked at for 6 years. I was emotionless and I honestly felt like a plane could've crashed at my feet and I wouldn't even have batted an eye. I prayed and prayed and begged God to not let this be how I was going to spend the rest of my life. I don't know what to attribute my recovery to and I try not to question it too much. But today I am MILES from where I used to be. While my memory is far from perfect, I am grateful to say that I survived and made it out of the darkness. I look forward to living and am not preoccupied with the past mistakes that had weighed on my conscience for as long as I can remember. I have realized what is good for me now and what is not. I celebrate laughing and joking around, which is a part of my personality that I missed the most. I have been working as a Peer Recovery Support Specialist with the Mental Health Association of NJ (MHANJ) for the past four years and I am able to connect with people who are going through similar issues that I also had/have been. I appreciate the little things in life and try to find one positive thing in each day. Not every day is roses and rainbows, but I've learned how to handle the lows and not let them build into something that will bring me back to that dark place that I fought so hard to escape from. There is hope and people do make it out the other side. Don't give up on yourself and keep fighting....it is definitely worth it!!!! This is a small piece of my journey and I hope it can help someone find the inner strength to face another day. Tomorrow needs every single one of us!!
