I wanted to die. I wanted to stop the pain and suffering. After two suicide attempts on the same day I was silently screaming for help. On the outside I looked happy, content with life. But on the inside I was dying a slow death. I hated life and I hated myself. I was an alcoholic and addicted to prescription pain killers. I was in a abysmal, abusive relationship. I was constantly berated by my ex that I wasn’t good enough of a provider. I held two jobs simultaneously and it still wasn’t enough to make ends meet. She would tell me that I wasn’t smart enough to have a “good career.”
I didn’t realize at the time, but I was having trouble concentrating and focusing. I also was sad all the time. I didn’t know why, but I hated life while smiling outwardly. It was at this time I found alcohol and prescription drugs. I thought it covered my pain and sadness. All it was doing was masking my scream for help. It started with a drink here and a pill there. But then the occasional drink or high became not quite enough to make it from day-to-day.
So, it morphed into a daily ritual just so I could go home and face the hell I was living in. All of this crescendoed to one day I came home and swallowed a handful of pain medication chasers by vodka. When that didn’t work, I grabbed a knife in front of my ex and told her I was done with life, her, our relationship. It was at this point the police and paramedics came. The had to use Narcan to revive me. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. But I found out that not only was I an alcoholic, but I was depressed with ADHD and OCD, disorder.
As I was in a verbal-abusive relationship, I was self medicated to make it through life. But it was the episode that brought me the most peace I’ve ever felt in my adult life. The kind of help I needed. After I left the hospital I found a lace to stay with family while I sorted out my life. I discovered I was happier away from my ex (my wife at the time). I filed for divorce and haven’t looked back at my past life. But it wasn’t enough. I still felt an emptiness inside. Then entered Shannon.
You see, even though I got the medical help I needed, there was a longing for someone to believe in me. She came into my life at a point that made me learn to love life again. She loves me unconditionally and wholly. She taught me what a healthy relationship looks like. And it’s beautiful.
My demons try to come back and throw their arm over my shoulder, but they are truly behind me. My faith, life and mind are truly intertwined into the person I am. And that now, is a peaceful, beautiful place to be.