"Depression is real..."
Posted on 04 September 2019
Ok. So my weekly blogs are usually pretty general but this one is going to be quite personal. First of all, I haven’t posted any work out photos or health and fitness photos in quite some time. There are a couple of reasons for that. Number one is that they can come off as arrogant, conceited and douche bag like. Did I do it before? Yes, but I was a personal trainer and owned my own gym so I looked at it like a billboard or an advertisement for my services. The second reason is that depression is real! True clinical depression...not just temporary sadness or heartbreak. I mean being debilitated and not being able to get out of bed or off the couch. Not eating at all or eating too much. Thoughts of leaving the house and having to interact with people becomes a milestone you can’t reach or face. That’s where I have been and I allowed myself to become a person I didn’t recognize in the mirror. The thought of a shower became the worst part of my day because I had to look at myself. I was the poster child for unhealthy! Well, I saw this video of Ronda Rousey on The Ellen Show and it really connected and inspired me. I will post it in the comments below. I’ve been there. When you become defined by your career or external sources like admiration and fame and then you lose that...who are you?!?! She was defined as a champion and plotted suicide because she didn’t know who she was outside of that. I was in some band or something. If you know me...I’m very modest and shy and I have never been comfortable with fame or recognition. However, when it was gone...I found myself lost. What the hell do I do now? I left Jax when I was 24 to go to LA and chase a dream that lasted for a good 13-14 years. I haven’t worked a day job or done anything since. Who am I? What is my purpose. I struggled for a while and still do from time to time. I had to realize that I had to be happy with myself! Awards, money, fame, and recognition are great but at the end of the day...it’s just you and an empty hotel room or a house with no tours or new records in sight. So, what is my purpose? Who is Paul? What makes me happy? Maybe, like Ronda...I had to be the one to fall and get back up to inspire others! I am beyond blessed to be a part of Demons Behind Me! We are a brand and a message that I couldn’t be more proud of. Like we always preach...you are not alone! Ronda shared her story and it inspired me to share a bit of mine. I encourage you to do the same. You never know who it could help! I have a ways to go but I’m back on the fitness trail and the road to health. After watching the video...I snapped this photo and I couldn’t believe what I saw. First...I saw my only enemy which is me!!! I’m only in competition with him and if I can beat him every day...I win! Next, I saw my shirt. Demons Behind Me! Maybe this is my purpose! Spreading hope and inviting others into a community of recovery and perseverance. Finally, I saw my hat! It belonged to my brother Manny who left us way too soon! It is sweaty and nasty now from the gym but I will continue to wear it until I reach my goals! He wouldn’t have it any other way! Once there...I will retire it! I know this was a long one. If you made it here...I hope it helped! 🙏 “Being defeated is a choice!” - Ronda Rousey