Hi guys! I'm 46 years young. I've faced several demons in my life. I've dealt with depression my entire life, as far back as I can remember. I can't even count how many times I've felt suicidal or tried to commit suicide. I've had crippling anxiety. So much that I couldn't leave my house for months. I'm a veteran. I have dealt with sexual trauma in the military. Which the after effects completely destroyed my dreams and goals of retiring from the military.
But I'd have to say the biggest, most devastating demon I have faced in my life is my late husband. We were together for 18 years. He was charming and seemed perfect at first. We got married and he turned into a monster, a demon, my own personal hell. He crushed my spirit. He berated me everyday of my life. Told me how worthless and unlovable I was. He took everything away from me that made me uniquely me. He didn't like my piercings, so I had to take them out. He didn't like that I wore combat boots and dressed in emo and goth clothing so I wasn't allowed to wear those anymore. He didn't like the alternative/grunge/metal music I listened to, so I had to listen to his country music. He didn't like some of my friends so I wasn't allowed to talk to them anymore. And the friends of mine he did like, he tried to have sex with, so they stopped coming around. Only his friends were allowed around until I was being accused of being with them. He didn't like my family, so he made it almost impossible to talk to them. I had to sneak to call my dad or otherwise he would be screaming nasty, obscene things in the background. He kicked my kids out of the house when they turned 18. He would have complete fits if I tried to spend any alone time with them. He started stealing my psych meds. Every time, countless times, that he cheated on me he blamed me for it, said it was all my fault. He was an alcoholic, drug addict, narcissistic, abusive demon. He terrorized my kids. He terrorized me. Every time I tried to have a little strength to get out, he reminded me that he'd file for divorce, put our house in probate, so I'd be homeless. He reminded me of how worthless I was. How nobody would ever put up with me or love me. He convinced me that I was a nobody. It was ingrained in my mind after being told so many times. Told me several time to kill myself. That everybody would be better off if I did. Over the course of 18 years I don't know how many times he raped me, both ways. It became my normal. All of the things he said and did became my normal. He would brag to his friends and coworkers about raping me. He thought it was funny. He thought a lot of ignorant, horrible things he did were funny.
He died in November 2021. It was so confusing for so long. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for years. I take several psych meds. And none of that helped for the most part. When he died I was confused. I loved and missed him and hated him and was relieved he was finally dead. I no longer had any idea of who I was because that was lost so many years ago. So I had to start learning who I was again, what I liked, what I wanted out of this life. I was finally able to have my family and friends back into my life. They have been my support system. I am so grateful to have them back! My long time friend, who is now my best friend, has pushed me for a year and a half everyday, nothing but positive, uplifting support. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here today. After my husband died, that's when I started having severe PTSD symptoms. I felt like he was still here terrorizing me. I still saw him, heard him, and felt his evil presence. I was extremely suicidal last summer because of this. I got hospitalized. While I was in they told me about a grief share group. It was a 14 week Christian based program. I attended the group but it left me with more questions than answers. More anger than love. My husband always claimed to be a Christian, actually turned me completely against Christianity because if that's what he associated with, then I definitely wasn't one, nor did I want to be one. I was told that because he asked for forgiveness right before he was put on life support, that God forgave him for his sins. I didn't forgive him. My kids didn't forgive him. All of the other people that he caused trauma too by beating or groping or molesting them, didn't forgive him. So why would God forgive him after all the lives he traumatized? I became enraged. It would take me less than a minute to go from irritable to fully enraged. And I was like this for months. I was having nightmares about him for a long time and was put on meds to help me sleep through the nightmares. I still don't sleep well.
Finally with my best friends help and advice, this February I started intensive trauma therapy. It was a very difficult but rewarding 12 week program. A lot of bad memories I blocked came back. Writing and reading the details of some of the trauma he put me through was one of the hardest things I had to do. My specialized therapist gave me a lot of tools to use. They help me with my thought process now. I still have triggers and instantly have a negative thought, then I work through it to see if it holds up.
In March, I took off my wedding rings and put my locket of his ashes away. I realized that I am finally free. It was like all of the weight in the world was finally taken off of my shoulders. I could breathe again. I decided I was going to wake up every day and be thankful. I read motivational quotes every morning to start my day. And for the first time in what seems like forever I want to live instead of wanting to die. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy every minute of every day because you don't know how much time you have left on this Earth. I want to see, do, experience things with the people I love. That's what life is about. Being you and being happy. It's still a struggle sometimes. I have my moments, but I'm thankful it's just moments now instead of days, weeks, months, or years.
I just want to tell you all that if I can do this, then EVERYBODY can do this!!! You need the right support and mindset. You need to know you're not alone. You are not worthless. You are not a lost cause. There's hope for us all!!!